Those of you who read my old blog know that I have a strong faith of some kind, but wonder now and then about my Christianity. One of the faith practices that I come back to again and again with great reward is not particularly emphasized in Christianity—meditation. I have been following the meditation practices of the Self-Realization Fellowship for 30 years now. I have to say that my closest and most trusted avatar is not Jesus Christ but rather Paramahansa Yogananda, founder of SRF. That certainly would disqualify me in the eyes of many, perhaps most, Christians. Yet I feel confident that I am on the right path to both attend Trinity Episcopal Church AND practice SRF meditation. I give you this background because I am about to relate to you one more meeting of myself and the Divine Presence in my life.
I’m a little bit worried about this post, because I know in advance it is going to be about very abstract and questionable dealings of faith. But, I need to clear my head about it, and this blog often is a real help to me in this way. Hopefully occasionally to someone else, too.
I often find I am dissatisfied with my closest friends and companions. And, I rarely am candid about either the dissatisfaction or the reasons for it. Reason being, I see myself as strong, independent, a problem-solver, a hard worker, a person who gives what he has to give. So admitting this dissatisfaction with others to myself, let alone those who have disappointed me, would give the lie to the high regard in which I hold myself. That is, there was a problem with one of my important relationships, and I failed to solve it. Instead, I tend to try to deal with these situations by pulling even farther into myself, and to search for the resolve I need in God. Maybe I will pray about the situation. Maybe I will practice the meditation that I have followed for the last 30 years. Or perhaps I just do that little mental shenanigan of “Turning it all over to God.” And a lot of the time, this actually works. The dissatisfaction passes; the rend is mended.